If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
2022 will be better than 2021
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.