Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
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I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead