Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Saturday
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.