It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Monday
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I identify as an antique shop.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.