Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
You Might Also Like
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Just got to our Airbnb!
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My work here is done
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*