Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*