when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies