Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
sugar glider wrangler
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Mad Max Arctic Road
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine