(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
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I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*watches the world burn*
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.