People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.