I’m having an out of money experience.
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
cat vs inanimate object
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]