“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Well, this is awkward
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”