House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
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*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did