I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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2 years later
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.