If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks