Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time