When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Tuesday
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I put the h in mysterious.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.