This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Haha! 😂
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.