You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!