I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.