I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.


We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”


Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together


I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second


Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.


I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude


I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.