I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I am having an out of money experience.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.