This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
You Might Also Like
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
This is hilarious….
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
marvel comics have peaked
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.