[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
we’re gonna need another temp
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.