I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*