My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.