@AdamDavis This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
@JohnRMoffitt That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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@AdamDavis 
@mjkspeaks [meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
@coffeeandvinyl1 Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
@BeaniesLittle Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
@Dawn_M_ Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
@AmericanGent69 {during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
@unravelingfire If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
@NicCageMatch Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
@yoyoha “No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
@CodeineFridge i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?