@JohnRMoffitt

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

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@AdamDavis

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@coffeeandvinyl1

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

@BeaniesLittle

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

@Dawn_M_

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

@unravelingfire

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

@NicCageMatch

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

@yoyoha

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

@CodeineFridge

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?