That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

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This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.


[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”



Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right


Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy


Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.


If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.


Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.


“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully


i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?