That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
socratic questions
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE