I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
who called it hell and not heaven’t
The Struggle
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Strange
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.