Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Guilty! 🤪
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
CRYING
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.