the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*