i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
What the hell happened in there??
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.