Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
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student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer