me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
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ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
A game married people play.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean