Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are