Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
It’s a gift
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.![]()
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!