Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
You Might Also Like
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
crazy
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Cat.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.