box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.