[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Just a reminder, folks:
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*