I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.