Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.