Seems kinda suspicious
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I’m giving up for Lent.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you