A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
all that yoga finally paid off
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.