This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke