Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You Might Also Like
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Stop being racist to kettles.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?