After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Safety first
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.