Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
You Might Also Like
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.