INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.