Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.


Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.


See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.


My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”


the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air


*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!