Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.