A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Lmao
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.