So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”