My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Nose
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.