Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Accurate